BeTWEEN Families: Making Family Decisions

The closure of schools and businesses due to COVID-19 has created upheaval for most families. If you have children between the ages of 10 and 14 you know that keeping them occupied and content can be challenging. By following this series, you will discover ideas and activities you can do with your rising teenager that are fun, increase resilience in youth, and build strong relationships in your family.

One of the keys to having a strong family is good communication and problem-solving skills. When families communicate openly and work together to solve problems and make decisions, family members feel heard and respected resulting in fewer family conflicts.

Decision making is a process by which people make choices, explore values, and come to conclusions that guide behaviors. There are six steps to family problem solving including:

1. Identify the decision to be made and list points of view.
2. Brainstorm possible options or choices. Make sure everyone has input and states their case.
3. List the positives and negatives of each selected option.
4. Think about short-term and long-term consequences.
5. Choose the best option.
6. Decide on a time frame for trying out this option and plan a time to discuss if and how it has worked.

To begin the process, sit down as a family and identify the problem. For example, it may be that several family members want to watch different television shows at the same time on a specific night. However, the family owns just one television.

Next, gather input from all family members and jot down their points of view. For example, mom may say this is the only show she watches, or the kids may say they've had a tough day at school and deserve to watch their show. One of the biggest challenges in making a family decision is taking the time to listen to each person's point of view. As adults, parents often know what the best solution is, but sometimes the children have really good ideas, too. When we consider our children's suggestions, we are not automatically approving them as the chosen outcome. We are taking the time to listen to them and each family member to get their input. We may discover possibilities we had never even considered!

Then brainstorm a list of possible options the family could use to solve the problem. For example, the family could put their names in a hat to determine who gets to watch their show. Or the family could record a show to be watched at a later date. Be sure to include all suggestions even if they seem silly.

Now the family can review the list and discuss the possible solutions. The family can select one solution to try for a week and decide when they will check back to see if it is working. Brainstorming solutions and trying them for an agreed amount of time can allow for reflection on whether the solution was right for the family. Sometimes adjustments need to be made.  

Another important part of the process is to make informed decisions. Be sure to ask pertinent questions to gather accurate information. It can be helpful to list the positives and negatives of suggested options and also consider the short-term and long-term consequences of each option.  The agreed-upon option will most likely be one that everyone can live with and finds that it meets most of their needs.

Look for opportunities to work with your youth on making decisions as a family. This skill will not only reduce conflict within the family and strengthen relationships but will also provide an example for your children and benefit them for life!

This activity has been adopted from Iowa State University's Strengthening Families for Parents and Youth 10-14 (SFP 10-14) curriculum. SFP 10-14 is a multi-session family series that builds family cohesion and has been proven to reduce substance use in youth. Find out if your child's school is hosting SFP 10-14. For more information, contact your local Penn State Extension office.