The Holidays: Time for Family, Time for Resilience

Let's face it. The holidays are upon us, and we all know that this is going to be a season like no other. We are experiencing feelings of anticipation and excitement along with sadness, disappointment, and frustration. For many of us, we are getting into the spirit of the season but may likely be experiencing grief at the loss of the holidays as we have come to know them.

Dr. Lucy Hone, Director of the New Zealand Institute of Wellbeing and Resilience, has discovered through her research that resilient people- those who can get through difficult times and come out even stronger- have three things in common. They accept their circumstances, attend to how they spend their time and energy, and they assess their thoughts and actions regularly.

Accept that this year, things will be and must be different. Although we never dreamed that a pandemic would wreak global havoc, challenges are part of life. Acceptance means that we stay in the present moment and deal with what is instead of wishing for what used to be or how we think things ought to be. Recognize that this is not forever even though the protracted pandemic feels like there is no end in sight. Embrace the hope that things will get better because they will. Acknowledge your feelings. Allow yourself time to grieve about the dashed plans, interrupted traditions, and uprooted customs that go along with keeping everyone safe this year. But don't stay there. Move on. Look beyond the current circumstances and begin to think creatively. Be mindful of the language you use in describing the 2020 holidays. For example, instead of saying that they are "ruined" this year, say that they are "changed" this year.

Be attentive to what you spend time thinking about. Are your thoughts focused on "What is going to be missing this year?" or are you looking at "What can we do differently in light of the situation?" Different is not bad, just ... different. How can we celebrate holidays in a new way – maybe even ways that we never took the time to consider before? Maybe some new traditions can even be started this year! Hosting a large family affair is a lot of work before, during, and after the feast. Reframe this paring down as an opportunity to relax, enjoy immediate family, and spend less time in the kitchen.  Are you used to everyone gathering around the TV for football games after dinner? How about gathering the family virtually and playing bingo, trivia, or another game over dessert? It isn't exactly the same thing, but it serves the purpose of bringing families and friends together. Is it your custom to go shopping at the big malls to buy presents for others? Maybe this year you do more online shopping. To support local small businesses, consider purchasing gift cards as presents. You might discover that you enjoy not dealing with the crowds and the frenzy, and you have more time for other holiday activities at home. Remember- this is not forever.

Assess your thoughts and actions often during days leading up to the holidays. Check in with yourself every day. Are my thoughts and actions ones of hope or despair? Am I spending my energy thinking about how "bad" things are by watching too much news or social media? Am I being resourceful and innovative as I think about different ways to make the holidays special, or am I dwelling on what we can't do this year? Listen to the words you use when you talk with others as well as to the thoughts you allow to take up residence in your head.

While this pandemic and all its collateral impacts are undoubtedly casting a shadow over the holiday season, we can choose how we will deal with it. Our choices are to allow ourselves to be pushed into a sense of hopelessness and despair or to rise to the challenge of celebrating and connecting in all new and unimagined ways. Think of 2020 as the year we tried new things.  And remember- this is not forever.

However, if feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or anxiety persist for more than two weeks, seek professional help. Schedule an appointment with your primary care physician. You may also reach out to your employer's office of human resources to see what types of support services such as an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) are available. There is help available.